I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
