remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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