Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
