I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
