Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
