there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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