I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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