Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I want a musical about memes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
