Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
