It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
two words...techno handjob
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
