I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
