I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
