I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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