At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
