dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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