I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
