I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
