Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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