i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
