When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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