im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
