At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
