I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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