haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
