i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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