oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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