The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
