lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
