you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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