I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
