i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
