You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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