everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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