textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
