She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
