I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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