No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
