The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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