Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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