no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
