We're like a lot better than the average bears
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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