how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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