I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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