Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
