i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
