Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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