What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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