do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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