I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
