I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
