Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
