The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
